Smiley Miley Smoking the Bong

I can just see, Miley Cirus at a party trying to fit in saying, " No, No, I'm just like you Guys..." She's laughing too hard at jokes and talking too loud.   Then someone passes her the bong, she grabs it quickly and takes a smoke and doesn't hesitate just to fit in.

Miley Cirus ain't cool.  Cool people act angry and don't show excitment unless something is bad or dangerous.  They seem old before their time and act as if they've seen it all.  There is no Easter Bunny, no Santa Claus and no such thing as true love.

Miley has the best of both worlds her youth and millions of dollars.  Her persona is happy and she has a  infectious smile to top it off. Can't you just imagine her being good, nice, and friendly. 

I wish Miley Cirus would stop working too hard to be grown up, because wearing sexy clothes and singing sexy songs don't make a person mature.  Maybe she should go to college.

I believe in happy times and happy people. I understand that life has it's challenges but love will conquer.  God bless Smiley Miley keep her from the road of Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Money Can Cure Ugly

When Chris Rock first started on Saturday Night Live he looked like Predator. He had huge slippery yellow teeth, 3 different hair styles a box, a Jheri curl and a Michael Jackson pompadour and he was hungry-for-real, skinny. I guess he was funny but my nose always drew up when I saw him on the screen. Recently, I saw a commercial announcing Chris Rock to host an awards show and he looked great, truth is, he has for a long time. He had 1 hair style, Malcolm X inspired horn rimmed glasses and donned a tuxedo and if he falls short on the night of the show the producer will use the trusty air brush.

Money can cure ugly. Chris moved to Hollywood, the glam culture, began using high end beauty products, a beauty regime that defies blemishes, acne, psoriasis, pimples and break outs is all the brother needed, right? Wrong, some people swear by brands Olay, Mary Kay, Lancome, Fashion Fair but beauty is not in the bottle but a daily fought battle.

Skin care is what a person does daily to take care of their skin. According to Debra Evans, author of Beauty and the Best, soap is soap, exfoliant is scrub and moisturizer is lotion. The trick is to buy products according to your individual skin type; dry, oily, combination and clean, exfoliate and moisturizes on a regular schedule. Discontinue to use the product if soreness, redness or more breakouts occur.


The latest edition of The Ugly Brown Shoe Chronicles

Naughty & Nothing Nice

Yesterday, I spotted “Old Grand Candy” doing her thing as a retail clerk. You may have seen her too; jet black rooster hair-cut, sky scraping eyelashes, black slacks 2 sizes too small and a pair of classic white Reboks. Old Grand Candy this blog is for you.

Dear Old Grand Candy:

Congratulations, on your efforts to look good. I am inspired by your never ending interest in fashion and beauty. But I would like to reveal a secret, “40 is NOT the new 20”?

Just as anyone can spot an old daisy from a fresh rose others realize you are not dressing your age and assume you are not too smart. Man up and wear your size 14, 16, etc. Your size will lie flat (not baggy) on your hips and thighs, in the future avoid clothes intended for teens.

Realize your fashion potential and pick sophisticated colors and dabble in classic pieces. Show the world 40 is a new opportunity to have fun with style. Because everybody knows a 40-something woman with hurting feet and too tight pants…ain’t nothing nice.

Sincerely,

Sarobi

The latest edition of The Ugly Brown Shoe Chronicles

Santa Claus is a Fashionista

Santa Claus is coming to town. When I was a little kid I could get holy ghost happy singing, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, Santa was the bOOm-bOOm.

Dressed in my favorite color, red, with matching hat, his accessories were classical perfection. The thick black belt was figure flattering and caused him to have an hour glass shape, even though we know Santa had a lot of cream filling. The knee boots in neutral black made Santa appear long even if he wasn’t lean.

Take a tip from Santa this season. Chose a matching hat and coat. Consider scale when picking accessories. If you are statuesque pick boots and a bag that covers some real-estate avoid the shameless “pop” of color and DO IT BIG.

Santa made the outfit. Can you imagine what he is wearing underneath. Perhaps a black tuxedo and tails perfect for the New Years Gala.

Beautiful N Our Own Time

The Webster’s New World Dictionary describes spa as a commercial establishment with exercise rooms and sauna baths. A spa day is the perfect way to treat yourself on a paid day off. Mark your calendar and plan your personal day.

Start a crock pot dinner so at the end of the day, everyone is happy. Exercise 1 hour on a treadmill, stationary bike, or elliptical machine for cardio. Do 30 minutes of abdominal exercises. Treat yourself to a long bath, wash your hair and let it air dry. Find the long lost facial kit or do a home facial (look on internet for ideas). Moisturize your skin with a good body lotion. Then remove hand and toenail polish while having your coffee. Brush and floss your teeth and use the 'water pic' for a good once over. Watch a favorite DVD while completing a fresh pedicure and manicure.

Drink 8 glasses of water throughout the day. Have a light lunch and take a good nap. GOD has made us all beautiful in our own time. Use a spa day to enhance your natural beauty.

Time 2 Quit Trippin'

What time is it? Morris Day of the Time yelled, and Jerome ran out, wiped his face and gave him the time. America is at war in the middle east and one of the biggest imports from India is human hair. I say it's time to quit...trippin.

Weaves and wigs are wonderful. If your hair doesn't grow you ought to have options. Beyounce ought to have the privilege of using big unbelievable hair as a prop in her concert. Chaka Khan and Diana Ross did it, so why limit her?

Either local beauticians are not really skilled in weave installation or it isn't worth the money. It seems by the time I see a Sista wearing it in the grocery store it looks like a couple of rags attached to a mop head. Between the money she spent and political implications it seems like Sista been bamboozled.

Natural beauty may be played out. But hair weave and those sky scraping eyelashes make a Sista look like she need a watch. Where is Jerome? Maybe he can run from behind a bush, cut them lashes down and give Sista a fedora.

Humps, Bumps, and Dimples Beware

There used to be laws that prohibited women from wearing pants. I am by no means wishing to be restricted from wearing pants. But there is a power, strength and truth that illuminates from a woman wearing a good-looking dress. It is perfect advertising that does not reveal the product. Soulfulness is revealed in a woman wearing a good dress.

Power dressing is wearing an outfit or an item of clothing that would make you stand out as a leader. In the 90's men wore a business suit worn with a red tie. According to John T. Molloy author of “Dress for Success” the suit was a must have.

I would like to give a shout out to the…dress. It is the go-to piece for most occasions. A woman can wear a dress to a funeral, dinner party, business meeting, formal or informal. It makes a good impression on folks you know and those you don’t. The “little black dress” is a superstar in it’s own rite. Coco Chanel is credited with it's original design but it was worn before then.

A good dress has a focal point and structure. Simply chose a single feature you want to highlight. Look for dress in a quality fabric with or without a lining. If you see humps, bumps or dimples size-up or move on. The goal is a smooth presentation. You don’t have to wait until you loose or gain weight. A good dress represents you wherever you are. I think God blessed the….dress.

The latest edition of The Ugly Brown Shoe Chronicles

Swoosh Swoosh

Five or 6 years ago I fell in love with a warm-up suit, soft and stretchable “Juicy Couture” look-a-like. I felt “bootylicious” even if it the words weren’t written across the rear. I’ll tell the truth and shame the devil. It was at least 2 sizes too small. I was in a fashion trance. The soft warm fabric hugging me and keeping me warm I loved my “dream-clothes”.

When you’re in love something always happens. A bleach stain, food stain, or oil stain comes along and you’re never the same. A replacement may be found but it’s not the same. The love affair with the little gray warm-up suit ended. I gave away the jacket but I couldn’t part with the pants, “I still got ‘em Yall”. They have become my stay in the house weekend pants.

Fashionista’s like Rachel Zoe, Charla Krupp and Brenda Kinsel all recommend that you constantly edit, upgrade and purge your closet. I say, don’t be selfish. Last weekend I saw 2 Grandma’s walking. One was wearing a hot-pink soft juicy look-a-like warm-up the other obviously her mother was wearing a 1990, nylon, parachute warm-up. When she walked it sounded like…Swoosh, Swoosh.

If your Grandmother or Great Grandmother is walking around making all that noise bless her with a new and improve warm- up. They say, “You’re never to old to fall in love”.

Mr. Crackadocious

Do you remember “Blaxploitation Cinema” the stars were people like Fred Williamson, Jim Brown and Richard "Shaft" Roundtree? They had tight afros with side-burns governed by a natural comb with a fist. They wore thick collared shirts and neckties with big ample knots. Their pants were fitted in the thigh and flaired at the bottom. The silhouette is still fierce.

Then came…the time before Jordans, Nike and Adidas roamed the streets. Young men could be described as “Jheri Curl Juicy”. They would fall asleep on the bus and leave grease stains as evidence. Blue jeans ruled urban fashion Calvin Klein, Sergio, Levis and Wrangler. Fit the body and young men had an annoying habit of grabbing their crouch area. Even Michael Jackson was guilty of that.

Today we have “Mr. Crackadocious”. He has dread locks and escaping pants. He doesn’t grab his crouch as much because he busy holding up his pants. People around him always seem to be reminding him to pull up his pants. Some people are inspired to write songs, remember, “Pants on the Ground”.

We have become impatient with Mr. Crackadocious. It seems as if this trend should have run its course. It all comes down to supply and demand; young people are buying and stores are making it available. Truth is this segment of the population spends more money on clothing than any other group. Ask Sean John, Ecko Unlimited, Apple Bottom and Baby Phat.

Crackadocious

Time changes things…thank God for that. Have you ever lost patience waiting for a change? Remember when low-rise jeans first appeared on the fashion scene. “Booty-crack” was everywhere women were battling with gravity. He [Gravity] was dropping waistbands and showing booty. My church lady self was already overwhelmed by exposed back and too much booty in the pants. Low and behold…then came crack.

Personally, it is a low day when I expose my crack. Truth is the words low-rise are a curse to me; I was born at least a medium-rise. I can charm my way out of many things, being clumsy, a run in my stocking, bad manicure, and even being late. But I can’t fix my face if I know that I revealed a holy secret…my “crack”.

The trade off for looking good in your clothes is you try on a lot of stuff. The size on the label my say it is intended for juniors 5, 7, 9, 11 etc. or intended to fit women 4, 6, 8, 10. Fit and proportion is very important. A pair of perfect jeans can sometimes be helped by a perfect belt. The cold truth is sometimes the the jeans are saying, “Lady…slowly…move away from the rack…move…away from the rack.”

Bag Lady

Back in the day, we used expressions like; clean, sharp, and together, to express how nicely an individual looked. We were complimenting the perfect combination of outfit, hair, shoes and accessories. Many of us know how to look good. We know how to groom and have attained a signature style. Although many around us subscribe to the fashion of covering up the vitals, “no shirt, no shoes no service,” we have fun with our clothing and reap the benefits of looking good.

But do you ever wonder what's missing? You wear a modern or classic silhouette.You keep track of your wardrobe recycling faded and worn out pieces adding new ones when necessary. You show your creativity by mixing vintage with modern to express your individuality. You even carry a designer bag as a signature piece. But instead of looking good you look complicated and overdone. The culprit is that good ole… clutter.

Are you carrying too many bags, a couple of grocery bags, baby bag, book bag and your purse? Hold up. These things are distracting and take away from your final look. Get light. Don’t carry unnecessary stuff. After you put on your coat or jacket evaluate what you have in your hands and downsize to a single bag. If you need to carry a lot buy a big bag in a quality fabric that holds its shape. Don’t be walking around with something that looks like a garage bag. Remember cleanliness is next to…

Walking on Fire

Last week I saw a sister, God bless her soul, dying for her beauty in 3-1/2 inch heels. She was minding her business catching the city bus. Sister was bending at the knees and breaking at the ankles. Working her skinny-jeans like a job and looking like an urban statue until she had to fall into stride. Then she looked like “Bronco Billy”.

I remember 3-inch heel days and the struggle of getting them across the city on public transportation. Wearing them because I wanted to look exceptionally cute. In return for my efforts I received the mind numbing pain of hurting feet. I wished I could fly. I contemplated skipping. I would have even scooted home if possible, anything to end the torture.

I now understand no matter how slightly small or a little too big some shoes are incompatible with a whole lot of walking. Some shoes, which I call 2-steppers are not too great for cars. These shoes are for church; walk into building, sit down, enjoy the service, walk back to the car, go home, and take them off.

Enjoy extravagant shoes, but before taking them out to visit, find out if they are 2-steppers. They can turn you into a woman who can walk on glass through fire. I like to say “beauty is pain”. Truth is, “beauty can be torture”….

Unexpected Precision

Many people have a hidden treasure of fur coats, diamond rings, expensive leather goods, vintage jewelry and classic designer pieces. They save them for annual gala events and who knows when. I suggest adding these classic pieces to your daily wardrobe as personal signature items. This could be the inspiration your daily fashion has been missing. Warning, if you are not willing to provide extra security leave the fur and diamonds at home.

Women over forty can wear classic and vintage pieces for 2 reasons their age has afforded them financial blessings and increased taste level. (Remember the days when we didn’t want a garment unless we had seen someone else in it?). I believe the older you get the more attracted you become to looking good as oppose to looking trendy. Classic pieces look intelligent. Imagine a leather pencil skirt; notched-collared white shirt, trench coat or jacket and a pair of animal print shoes. What makes this look modern, the mix?

The look is working the modern elements of silhouette; clean shirt (new), and trendy shoes mixed with classic pieces the coat; skirt, and shirt. Mixing modern pieces with classic ones can add sophistication to your look. Others want to see what you will wear next, “ You are the new eye candy”. Now thats what I call unexpected precision?

Fashion Emergency – Happy Diva Day

If image is everything your fashion emergencies set the pace. An emergency look is the go to outfit you grab, when you wake up with an hour or less to leave the house. Ask yourself is it flattering? Is the silhouette comparable to a marshmallow? Are you saying, “Yeah but it’s comfortable? It may be too comfortable. Is it stained with bleach, food, oil, or ink? Is the color faded? If you answered yes, to any of these questions throw the whole outfit away.

Comfortable clothes are great in a pinch. They can undermine your fashion and make you look dull, tired, or depressed. When a professional is wearing clothing that is too relaxed customers question their intelligence and authority. Leaving you asking, "Why you had a bad day from the time you woke up this morning”? Guess what, bad fashion can sabotaged a day.

Throw, old sad clothing away and replace it immediately. Try some yoga pants with a fitted knit jacket, layer it with a denim or khaki jacket add a t-shirt for color. If you really want to step it up add some cool shoes (the ugly brown shoes). The benefit is comfort and style. You look put together and happy in vibrant colors. This outfit is classic and current simultaneously, the look says,
“It’s 2010, What?”

Women over forty can’t help but shift to conservative pieces. We like being comfortable and confident, clothing can assist us. First impressions are lasting ones and everyday is an opportunity to make a new first impression. Happy Diva Day.

Your Silhouette is Bangin’

Silhouette is everything. Acquaintances, long lost friends, strangers, look at yours and judge whether you are smart, current, and healthy based on it. The fashion silhouette is the overall shape of your body with clothing. It is fashion’s main ingredient. Modern silhouettes change like revolving doors. Many people think fashion is about weight, not true a change in silhouette can give the appearance of weight loss.

Modern silhouettes start off as trends and some become fashion “must haves”. Avoid looking like a clone by copying the shape (only) and adding accessories. One popular silhouette is the form-fitting pant, tall heals (flats, wedges, boots) and a tunic top that falls about mid to lower thigh. Once you know this you are ready to make the look your own. Grab some magazines and get to work, find 3 or 4 looks with matching silhouettes and you are on your way. Shop and try-on clothing until you get it right.

Fashionista’s are always ahead of the pack, wearing the latest trend by the time it becomes popular, she's moved on. But a fashion sage like me waits to see a trend translated for me. I ask myself does this style express my sensibility - of covering up the goodies? Does this look say I am too smart to be uncomfortable in my clothing? I don’t want my clothing saying “ Poor Old Cookie she don’t know she too old for this”. Updating your fashion is like updating your car. It allows you to run better and take advantage of the technology (lycra)and look modern. I encourage you to upgrade and drive a bangin’ silhouette.

Style Icon

I am not a star chaser I could care less about celebrity gossip. But I admit I have offered up a prayer for a few of the tormented. For me celebrities are “style icons”. The irony is they don’t pick their own clothes they have stylist who spend hours shopping for clothing, shoes and accessories. They are shopping for a “look” which will be worn to a specific event such as the Emmy’s, Grammy’s etc… Fashion is serious business it is the livelihood the celebrities, stylist, designers, hairdressers, manicurist etc. It is an industry where looks translate into cold hard cash.

That’s why magazines are gold mines. They contain the hard work of a fashion design team. Use magazines to their fullest potential and create your own look book. Rip out things that catch your eye, clothing, shoes, accessories and even fragrances you want to try. Keep your book updated and look at it before you shop. Take a tip from Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist and author of “ Style from A to Zoe”, who warns, “ You never want to actually mimic a celebrity”. Get the spirit of the look (and keep it moving).

Collect photographs of two style icons, you are more likely to be attracted to more than one. The look you create will be unique, a combination of both icons. I like Rihanna. I like her punk, unpredictable, 80’s vibe. Her style solves my fashion dilemma - modern woman who wants to cover up and still have fun with fashion. 2nd is Jennifer Aniston her style is clean, classic, with a modern twist. Her secret is proportion and fit.

Take a tip from me and fix your fashion dilemma's with the help of couple good style icons.

2 for 1

Exercise is one of the foundations of beauty. The best exercise is also functional for example cleaning the house, walking the dog or raking leaves. The other day when I was doing some functional exercise I noticed something that caused alarmed. There were an inordinate number of men leisurely hanging out at the same time children were walking home from the bus stop. I am aware that the economy is bad and more people are out of work but what I saw was strange.

The men seemed to be girl watching… young girl watching. As we all know young girls are fun, friendly, easy to meet and unfortunately easily deceived. They were walking not sensing any danger and being checked out by vultures. I saw one man leaning forward watching the girls with his undivided attention and when he saw me relaxed into his chair.

I am not a soothsayer or an old wife but I do pay attention to my surroundings. Women are sometimes too hard on young women and girls saying that they are too fast and headed for trouble. Sometimes girls are itching for the good stuff, GOD knows what that is… but many times they are victims of cleaver opportunist and people who seek their harm.

The world is made up of all kinds of people. Beautiful people should take the opportunity to show it by giving good advice, lending a helping hand and being a chaperon or supervisor to ward off danger. Have one on me, get some functional exercise and show your beautiful insides by walking the neighborhood kids to the bus stop or meeting the bus and escorting them home. It’s a 2 for 1.

A Fresh Outlook

When I was in junior high red lipstick was “scarlet gold”. If you got a tube you would use every last smear. We would use it as lipstick, blush, and eye shadow. No wonder people called it war paint. When the tube was finally lost (it would have never been voluntarily thrown away) someone had dug her finger down into the crevice and mined out the last smug.

Today red lipstick still exists but it plays a different role. It is a red-hot topper on a stark white model in a magazine or a stable of a little old lady. Red lipstick is perfect for formal occasions and formal attire. If like me, you are striving for an 8 on a 10- point beauty scale the nude shades are wonderful but be cautious. Use lip liner and choose shades carefully. Nude shades lean toward tan, pink, or orange; they test well on the back of your hand. Look for a glossy effect as oppose to a mat dull finish (they make you look dead).

My technique is; first line lips top and bottom with brown lip liner then I apply the color to my lower lip only, blot and add a little gloss (in the crevice of my lower lip, only), press my lips together and viola!

Lip color is an easy way to update. Shop the clearance shelf were the selection is ample, you can test freely and if you make a mistake the expense is minimal. Remember look for light and natural. The days of heavy black and blackberry are over. Take a tip from the latest celebrity weight loss success story Jennifer Hudson or Valerie Bertinelli and go light. The look says, “I’m new and I have a fresh outlook”.

Pajama Party 2

The party is not over… After interviewing more people I realized people wearing pajamas on the street really, really brings out negative vibes. A teenager I interviewed said, “people who wear their pajamas’ outside are just plain nasty”. Many college campuses have drafted dress codes to derail the problem.

Every year, high school seniors engage in a variety of planned events where they go to school in costume, one such day is pajama day. It is a “rebel-day”. The look says, “I am too laid back to be acceptable to society”. Simply put, “I don’t give a f**$”.

If a person is too otherwise involved to throw on some jeans and wash his face and brush his teeth it is not unreasonable to assume he or she her did not wash anything down below. That is why people wearing pajamas look like they stink.

There are times when I am driving and people dangerously cross the street into traffic. I think to myself that person must be suicidal. In my option if a person has an awesome outfit they would never chose to wear ratty pajamas instead. But if that same person was really angry or depressed… maybe they would.

The Muddy Pajama Party

Bad movies can change your life. There was a movie were girls attending a slumber party raced out for a late night snack. The screen revealed several well-groomed teenage girls wearing brand new pajamas as street clothes. Since then some people think it is okay to wear their used, abused and shapeless pajamas as outerwear.

I met a young woman at the grocery store collecting signatures to save a local school. I stopped my mental grocery listing and paid close attention as she explained the petition. Her hair was uncombed. She had sleep matter in her eyes and wore a pair of muddy pink or yellow pajamas. When she finished, I asked why a good-looking woman like her was out in her pajamas with uncombed hair? She lied and said her hair was styled and denied her clothes were pajamas. I apologized even though I knew the truth. I signed the petition and went into the store. When I left she was gone.

Folks wearing pajamas as outerwear has been a source of irritation for a long time. Any self-respecting designer or fashionista can understand my pain. But clothing although important…is not life itself. If my house caught fire all I want to do is escape, naked if need be. Wearing funky looking pajamas in the street could be a cry for help, “I need attention”, “I am lonely” or “I have been kidnapped”. I considered myself victorious when I shamed the woman at the store into leaving. The next time I see someone in pajamas instead of being irritated out of my mind I hope to take a few minutes, open my heart and consider her pain.

Sisters, if have information about clothing drives or give-a-ways please leave the information in the comment section of this entry. Thank you in advance… Sarobi.,

Dressed and Blessed

Last week while walking home from the library I encountered a fast approaching dog. I am accustomed to taking exercise hikes and usually carry a stick for just such an occasion. Dogs respect a stick but wouldn’t you know I didn’t have one. When I heard the dog approaching I quickly took off my shoulder bag wrapped it around my hand and crouched down in “ninja mode”. The dog was impressed with my quick action and decided to take another route. All I could say is “God is good” because he told to act quickly.

I am a church going sinner saved by grace. Which means I do my best to be nice and I go to church with people who do the same. One thing I have learned is God forgives me when I make mistakes. I go to church to learn more about God and there have been occasions when my clothing has fallen short (pardon pun). “You can worship God naked” but you can also “ worship in private”. Can you remember a bad outfit you know too short, too tight, too low cut, no stockings etc.?

When I make a mistake and my fashion goal of 8 on a 10-point scale looks like a 4. I am woman enough to fix it. I add supportive gear such as: a camisole, bra and/or a lightweight t-shirt underneath a top, sweater or dress. There are times when a garment cannot be saved (no matter what it cost) it is tossed in the give-a-way box or trash bin. God forgives sins and when we confess they are never brought up again. If I get caught looking like a “Hot Mess” I am going to forgive myself and look good another day.

30 is the new 20... Right?

Eddie Murphy once said his favorite word was “new”. Who wouldn’t want to be new? Have you heard “30 is the new 20”? It means even if you are 30 you can act, look and dress like you are 20. Well, twenty-year-olds dress like teenagers in baby-tees, low cut skinny jeans and flip-flops. Overall their clothes are lightweight and small. Teenagers don’t mind showing their cleavage, stomach or booty. After all it is brand new and it seems nobody minds looking at it. The idea is…“ I can’t help I’m sexy… I just am”. But the 20 year old is playing dress-up and the character is a fantasy chick, a dim witted, sex pot. I call her Candy because her fashion and style invites all suitors to “come and take the candy away from the babe”.

A couple of years ago, I went shopping and found the cutest little t-shirt and tried it on. It was so cute I bought it and wore it out of the store. I felt fresh and sexy “I had it going on” until I caught a glimpse of myself in a large floor to ceiling mirror, “ you talkin’ bout a hot mess”. I looked like “Caught-up Grand Candy”. I ran to the car and retrieved my original top and gave the cute t-shirt to a teenager. This experience made me realize I am not the new 30 or the new 40 but 42. When I want to be “I am grown and sexy”. I know when to turn it on and when to turn it off. Unfortunately, it is off most of the time.

Don’t misunderstand me, I like looking my best but there is a reason it is called my best. Beauty does matter to me but comfort and practicality does too. My fashion goal for everyday is an 8 on a 10-point scale. Sadly, I will admit sometimes I am walking around at 4. I am a real woman not a bombshell, my clothes and accessories provide coverage and help me to be me. I am equally cool, quirky and helpful to my neighbors and friendly as I can be. I am an assistant to the elderly, a toddler chaser, and third party negotiator. I don’t like it when I bend over and my pants to slide down my ample behind. If I address a stranger, I am instantly uncomfortable if they take a tour of my exposed cleavage. The last thing I want to do in the world is walk a mile in high heals. “30 might be the new 20”, but when I was 20 I didn’t mind walking down the street in 3 inch heals trying to look like my feet didn’t hurt. I am wearing my ugly brown shoes, yoga pants and hoodie. I am sexy as I want to be but my sexuality is my secret. When I was 20 I wanted to be a “bombshell”. If I could go back …I would not show all my secrets, spend all my money and give all my candy away. I would take better care my teeth, skin, exercise and eat healthier food.

Yes, I like looking good, I want fashionable clothes a lovely fragrance and sassy shoes. I don’t think it is possible to have too many pairs of shoes? When I look around at the younger women with the exaggerated hair weaves, lace front wigs, acrylic nails, false eyelashes, too little outfit, 3½ inch platform heals and exposed ‘tits’ and ‘ass’. I ask myself, “What the hell happened”? Could it be my fault? When I was living “the 30 is the new 20? Yes, my style and fashion was not maturing and I did not give the younger women anything to look forward too. I made 30 and later 40 look like a graveyard because I was dressing like a kid. But I learned…“it takes a lot to be a 10 everyday and only God’s blessings can make you 20 when you really are 30, 40 or 50”. Grown and sexy folk need to man-up and show the younger sisters how to be soulful, skillful, classy, comfortable and sexy at the… same… damn… time.

The not so notorious Internet

Knitting is my new hobby, interest, and delight. It is a perfect excuse for a lazy afternoon and a soft ball of yarn. Making a warm fuzzy gift is a beautiful expression of love and care. When I die, my knitted pieces will be little hints of who I was and what I did. Outward affectionate does not come easy to me. I hide my emotions with a stone face and a straight back. I am naturally less affectionate and I control my feelings because expressing them would expose me to my eventual demise. In short, the Devil would hop on my head and kill me. The way I show love is with a carefully prepared meal, a music tape or a knitted/crocheted item. After all love is an intangible emotion that can make you do wrong or right. It is hard to look back and feel love that has faded or has died. Recorded music selected for you only; snuggling under a blanket knitted just for you allows one to have a tangible memory of love.

Last weekend a friend and I visited a specialty knit shop called “Knitorious”. A cute little place owned by a lady with illuminating eyes that change to gray, green, blue etc. The store supplies a collection of moderately to expensive yarns, books, and knitting needles. I found the store’s customers cool but the colors and textures ample and encouraging. I took an initial tour to realize the reality of the feast, as one would before partaking in a buffet meal. At the end of my tour, I was approached by the owner and asked if she could help me. I inquired about a magazine, which was being sold at the original retail price. I must have offended her but I assumed a 3-year-old magazine must be discounted. I accepted the price because, I was in a specialty shop and specialty shops can sell specialty things at specialty prices. That’s what you call class, right?

It is my 2nd tour, which brings me to the point of the story. I focused on the bulky yarns, which average in price about $20 a yank (unit), 4 to 5 are needed for a small project. As I walked around I felt as if I was being watched. I dismissed the feeling because it could be the familiar feeling of walking while being black (WWBB). I stroll leisurely and examine completed samples of yarns “knitted up”(completed). I was having a good time until I saw the owner spying my friend’s magazine, as if to suggest it had been taken from the store’s rack without being purchased. My friend was guilty of WWBB. Closed her magazine and waved it purposely to show it’s cover which was tagged as a library item. It was crystal clear; we were being watched, like a mouse hole by a sleeping cat. I kept my hands empty and my movements slow. I asked the owner about books on free form knitting and the purpose varying lengths of circular needles. I did not want her to call the police. My past experience has revealed that it is better, guilty or not to avoid them. I had had all I could take and positioned myself near the door to wait for my friend. I resisted a long-winded customer and eventually chose to sit outside and work on my current project.

My friend soon appeared and we walked to the car discussing a trip to get ice cream. Then I noticed the owner of the shop outside watering flowers. I was rolling my “ripped-out” project into a ball and my yarn trailed behind me on the ground. The owner noticed the yarn and leisurely walked over and assessed it. She had left her store and customers to give us a final once over. Economists are debating the long-term economic value of the disappearance of the small “mom and pop” shops verses long-term value of the large chain stores like “Walmart” and the Internet. Some people may look back with nostalgia but I am not going to miss the racist practices and the bad customer service of the small shops. What if the store owner with the illuminating eyes, changed from a person who stereotypes customers based on race and served people with excited energy for the merchandise? What if "Knitorious" became notorious for outstanding customer service for knitters of all ages, races and skill levels? Then, I would be treated like a customer and not a thief. Until then I will buy my yarn over the Internet because as long as I can pay I will be treated like a customer.

Angels to the Resuce

The Man told the little girl with the old eyes to get ready to take a bath. She could hear the muffled sounds of television in the corresponding apartments and children playing screaming games outside, car horns honking and dogs barking. When the Man spoke the noise became silence. The background sounds were now flat like pictures sitting on a shelf. The light from the sun was clear, sharp and white not happy and yellow. The Man frightened the little girl with the old eyes so she always listened and obeyed him. He sat down on the lid of the toilet and began to run the water and she began to undress. The tile on the floor felt cold under her feet and she moved slowly watching the steam rise and linger. The little girl with the old eyes suggested, “too hot” but the Man ignored her and told her to hurry up. She removed all her clothes and eased slowly toward the bathtub. The little girl with the old eyes gripped the tub with both hands and swung her leg over the side. The water was hot, so she moved cautiously, coaxing her little toes into it. The Man yelled, “Get in the water”. The sound of the running water, the steam, and the voice of the Man together released terror into the room. Which startled the little girl with the old eyes she ignored the burning of her foot and rushed the other one into the water. She crotuched down to appease the Man but she still was not moving fast. The little girl with the old eyes whispered, “Daddy it too hot”. The Man used his hand to and shoveshoved her down into the water. Time leapt into slow motion. The little girl with the old eyes felt the water on her feet, legs, and tummy it burned and stung simultaneously. The pain was too much for her mind to process. Her brain no longer told her body where the water was going as it rushed over her shoulders. It was too late to scream. The little girl’s old eyes rolled up and over into her head, her mind went dark into unconsciousness.

When she opened her eyes a Pretty Lady was lifting her out of the bathtub and another Pretty Lady was holding a large soft towel. They gently dried the water from her legs, arms, feet and hair while singing this verse.

♪ All night, all day,
Angels watching over me, my Lord.
All night, all day,
Angels watching over me ♪

This made the little girl with the old eyes smile. One of the Pretty Ladies asked her to lean forward and told her a secret, She said, “God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble”. Psalm 46:1 While the other Pretty Lady tickled her back and whispered, “All my bones shall say, Lord who is like you, Delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him, the poor and the needy, from him that hurt him”. Psalm 35:10
The Pretty Ladies dressed her in a robe of feathered cotton, and took turns cradling her and kissing her sadness away. They told her never to forget “ The Lord Himself has said, I will never leave you nor forget you”. The Pretty Ladies told her funny little riddles and rhymes that made the little girl with the old eyes giggle. Then the Pretty Ladies held a special concert and sang songs about the Savior of love. The little girl with the old eyes tired to stay awake but she became sleepy and began to cry. One of the Pretty Ladies wiped the tears away and asked, “Do you remember what happen the last time you cried?” The little girl with the old eyes nodded her head but the tears continued to fall. She did not want to fall asleep; she did not want to go back. The other Pretty Lady whispered, “ no matter, one day you will grow into your old eyes”.

Nonfiction...

Auntee Cool-Cool

I remember Auntee Deedee tall, dark, and sexy. She wore bell-bottomed pants, halter-tops and an angel haloed Afro. Her main activity was talking on the phone. She was cool and I willingly followed her directions. Partly because she was the boss and I wanted everything to go smoothly so I could get to the real business at hand. Discovering her secrets. I read her diary, it was written in beautiful script and still undecipherable. It had a cool picture of a white girl on the cover that illuminated in black light. My Auntee smelled like weed and strawberry incense and listened to “Earth, Wind and Fire” and “Bootsy’s Rubberband”. For protection, She carried a big rock in a royal crown sack just in case anyone wanted to beef. After all, sometimes you have got to fight for your cool. Her boyfriends were tall, thin and came in yellow, high yellow, caramel, brown, black and blue black. They had pimp-walks, tall and medium Afros and few had gold teeth. They spoke in whispered cadences and said “Yeah” a lot, as an affirmation. I never understood how she turned down any of the whispered propositions, cause I would have said “Yeah” to all of them.

When someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up? I said, “ a teenager”. My Auntee made life seem cool. She discovered what she liked and enjoyed it. Which made her social, cool, and fierce. In contrast, my life is burdened with everything but cool there is: eat right, exercise, work hard, keep a good credit score, avoid trouble, mind your own business, drink water, say no to drugs, call your Granny…

A few years ago there was a popular saying called K.I.S.S., which stood for “Keep It Simple Stupid”. Which reminds me of my Auntee’s beauty. Although my Auntee had a lot more going on she lived a beautiful state of being. I like that. If someone asks me, what I am working on now that I have grown up? I’ll say, “I start every morning with a K.I.S.S”. I focus my energy on being nice (be cool). I keep in touch with friends and family (be social). I avoid conflict, practice safety measures and call for help if needed (be safe). I enjoy my hobbies and interests and share them with others. “Yeah”.

MOHAWK-Peer Pressure

Have you ever had a nagging feeling that just would not go away? You try to suppress it and it leaves for a little while only to return. That very thing happened to me. I wanted a “Mohawk”. I put it out of my mind until a cashier at the grocery store got one. It was so cute I encouraged her to keep it. My intentions were to come back and visit the cute little Mohawk. When I considered cutting my hair, I told myself, “nah”. I was too old for that hair- style. What would my coworkers and my boss say? What would the people at church think? They may think I was on drugs or “coming out the closet”. What if they did not like it as much as I did? I could get fired and lose friends. An investigation may even be started to find out what other crimes I am capable of.

The day came when I interviewed my last Mohawk-sister. I was ready. Peer pressure no longer dictated what was appropriate. I called my daughter for help but she declined, stating she did not want to condone my decision. So I started cutting a smile crept up on my face. My eyes twinkled because I had actually done something just for me. When I was finished my cheeks hurt from all the uncontrollable smiling. It was Christmas morning and I had gotten the best present in the world. I was laughing because I did not need another person’s permission to do what I wanted. I was young enough to be inspired and old enough to follow through.

The next morning when I opened my eyes and remembered I had a Mohawk. I jumped out of bed excited about all the things I was going to do. I quickly got dressed and went shopping. After all, I needed some accessories to compliment my new hairdo. A clerk in the store passed me and whispered, “wow”. After repeating this a couple of times I understood she did not understand or share my affection for the Mohawk. She felt I was not playing by the rules and was offended enough to let me know. The Mohawk hair- style is associated with the biker mentality of hostility. Although, I chose to ignore her, I admit the hair is associated with black leather jackets, motorcycles, tattoos, and mean fighting characters.

I will reject the negative and embrace the positive. The Mohawk is a strong hair- style that changes my energy. It shouts self-assuredness, courage and promotes focus. When I chose clothing it is either instantly right or instantly wrong. The colors black and white have become my favorites. They engage my artistic point of view. I have abandoned an accidental sexiness in exchange for a deliberate cool. My Mohawk says “I am not afraid of being unattractive because I am too busy to turn you on”. This may not be the most alluring hairstyle but it is the most powerful. I will admit have not received many compliments, of which, I am used to. I am beaming on the inside because I am free from the pact, a lone wolf, OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Dancing in The Street

Do you have a favorite season of the year? If you are like me it is summer. When I was a kid we could not wait to go outside. The endless days were filled with games, adventures, contest and various ice cream trucks. We’d play board games: Monopoly, Sorry, Trouble, Life, Clue and Scrabble. Then play cards games: war, gin rummy, black deuce, tonk, old maid and go fish. Someone would break out the jacks, hoola-hoop, skate boards and roller skates. I remember foot and bicycle races, tug-o-war and tag. When everything would slow down some adult would open up the fire hydrant and we would all get wet. I remember someone always needed their hair braided but could not resist a turn in the double-dutch rope and “a red hot –p”. Some days were filled with long bike rides and walking trips to the playground or the swimming pool. Can you believe with all that excitement we still had time to master the latest dance steps? My friends and I would “break-out” as if we were in trances and dance when someone played Parliament Funkadelics’ “ One Nation Under a Groove” or the Commodores’ “Brick-house”. We would try to keep a lid on it if adults were around unless they were offering quarters.

Lately, I’m so particular I don’t want to hear no rap music. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck and cover up their ears. I remember really liking a song awhile back. I claimed it as my jam (favorite). Do you remember Lil’ Jon “Get Low… skeet- skeet”?J What I am saying is, “I have become protective about what these ears can take”. Some music goes too far. But I still believe summer is about music if it is about anything and when I hear something I like “ Nothin’ on You Babe” by B.oB., I smile.

I enjoy my Kirk Franklin, Mary Mary and Donald Lawrence etc. I like walking while listening to music on my MP3. Lately I’ve taken to walking as if it were a hobby instead of an exercise. I forgot how I used to dance. I was walking one evening when “Patti Austin’s “Heat of Heat” came on. Picture this; I am on the corner (not quiet the bus stop) of Riverview and Nassau. Getting down like “Dancin’ Bear”. That song sounded so good I danced through 2 performances before I realized I could not continue to walk while listening to that song. People were pointing and honking their car horns. I turned my back to the street and danced until the song stopped. I felt happy and fun and alive. It was summer all over again. I want to invite you “ to catch yourself tripping” find something fun to do just like when you were a kid.

Brown Shoe Blues

It all started when I was in the fourth grade I decided the best color for shoes was brown. It was the first day of school and I had to wear my Easter shoes to school. My feet had grown over the summer and they were supposedly my only option. The shoes were white with pink, blue and orange flowers, nice for Easter but not for the first days of school. The embarrassment was so intense I became mentally blocked and developed a stress walk. The situation ended when on the way home 1 of my Sisters’ “little white cadillacs” (white Easter shoes) got stuck in the mud. She had to walk home in one shoe. When Mama heard my Sister’s tearful explanation, she grunted and growled and broke down and bought me a pair of black and my sister a pair of brown school shoes.

Which brings me to my story. I found these “ugly brown shoes” in the thrift store. When I first saw them I walked away but not before noticing their new condition and checking the size. I came back and noticed their creative design and real leather uppers. Into my basket they went. I make a series of initial choices when I shop, then I purge at cash register according to my finances. But who was I fooling brand new shoes, my exact size, I am at the thrift store. The first time I wore them they were only okay. I came in the house and took them off only to put them on again later. As time went on they became my 1st choice in the morning. Truth is, they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned. I feel like I have fallen in love with an ugly dude.

I ask myself, what if I have been wrong about beauty and style? What if my pretty/ugly meter is broken? Love at first sight is unreliable. What if beauty at first sight is too? I start taking a double look at what attracts me, and a triple look at what repels me. This is important to me because I am an artist. I should experience the world without prejudice. My new mission is to see, taste, touch things I once labeled as unattractive. Checking again for beauty in the ugly things.